What tools are really used for…

November 7th, 2007 by

Thought I’d lighten the tone a bit with this – totally non-computer related, and old but good – a definition of what various tools are really used for. I guess this is more a post for the men 🙂

  • HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
  • MOLE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  • DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
  • WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh cr.….”
  • ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
  • PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
  • BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
  • WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  • OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
  • WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 15/16 socket you’ve been searching for the last 45 minutes.
  • TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
  • HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
  • E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
  • TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine.
  • SNAP ON 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
  • INSPECTION LAMP: The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
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5 Comments

Anton
# 8th November, 2007

“STUD EXTRACTOR” I don’t care much for it’s utilitarian uses but as a nickname/insult that is superb.

Ditlev
# 12th November, 2007

Do you actually have all those tools at home?

David Precious
# 14th November, 2007

Nope, some of them but not all!

Nick
# 14th November, 2007

Dave doesn’t need a hydraulic floor jack…except for when he gets the overpowering urge to overpressurise the hydraulics and send his pride-and-joy bike into orbit.

Oscilloscope
# 29th January, 2011

;*~ I am very thankful to this topic because it really gives useful information ,-“

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